I’m a work in progress and my parenting is no exception. Watching children learn and grow is an incredible part of parenting, but the truth is I think I’m learning just as much, if not more. On top of so many humbling lessons, I’m learning how impactful mindfulness practices can be in our home and how prioritizing these practices can bring a little more openness to our lives. As part of my blog series all about life lessons I’m learning from my kids, here are five practices I’m using to inspire mindfulness in my children and myself. Maybe you're asking yourself why this is important or maybe it feels like one more thing to add to a never ending to-do list. I am prioritizing these practices because they make space. and that space seems to bring more harmony and peace to our home. While that's reason enough for me, I'm discovering there are even more benefits. Mindfulness practices create opportunities to get to know yourself, be curious about the world and your relationship with it and understand emotions better. Ultimately, I believe mindfulness helps pave the path to becoming the fullest and most luminous version of yourself. I'm committed to inspiring mindfulness in our home for my family, but these practices can extend to everyone. I hope you find them helpful too.
1. Strive for less. See more mindfulness.
When my son turned two he was gifted a set of Duplo brick blocks. These are the larger sized Legos. He loves them. My daughter loves them. They are the best. We keep a few toys in baskets in our living room for early morning play and they were the go-to every morning for more than a month. So, when my friend offered me a bag of Duplo blocks that her kids had outgrown, I hurried over to pick them up.
Personally, I love handed down toys and clothes. If we could make better products, take better care of our products and hand down products, especially kid products that come in and out of our homes so quickly, we could make a big difference for our planet. More to come on that, but for now back to the Duplos.
The handed down blocks were in great shape and I set them up for my kids in the same toy basket as the others. The next morning, my kids didn’t go for that basket. And the morning after that, it was the same thing. It was pretty easy to see why. There were too many blocks in the basket. There were too many toys, too many choices, too much stimulation and my kids were overwhelmed by dozens of small plastic blocks. This happens with adults too. If we have too many options, an easy, natural, sometimes even intuitive choice can quickly feel unclear, confusing and overwhelming.
Minimalism is a mindfulness practice. I took about half of the Duplos out of the basket and put them away for a while. After doing this, the blocks are once again a favorite in our house. The toy rotation technique is something I wish I would have implemented earlier in parenting. I also recommend a bi-annual (or more frequent) review of toys your kids have outgrown. Once they no longer play with a toy, it can find a new home. Goodwill, consignment shops, handed down to friends – there are other places where overflowing toys can be used and loved again. Another practice I'm working on is buying less. I recently heard a child education expert describe toys as kids’ tools for learning. When I'm thinking about buying my children a toy, I try and keep this in mind. What will the toy inspire and help them learn? Do we already have toys that act as tools in the same way? Will a certain toy be overwhelming and actually distract from learning instead of promoting it. I'm also trying to think about the life of a toy and keep as many out of the landfill as possible. At the end of the day, my kids are happier and more engaged when they have a few well-loved toys than when they have a room full of too many options.
Now, I’m getting curious about how I can implement this for my own wellness. One way I’m thinking about it is with meal planning. I’m working with clients right now to develop monthly meal plans that fit individual needs. One thing that is important for many clients is minimizing food waste, especially for those cooking for one or two people. Each week’s meal plan is centered around buying a few things, instead of more things, that can be cooked and used in various ways across meals for the whole week. This type of meal planning eliminates food waste, saves money, creates space in the fridge and makes meal planning easier and more fun. It also promotes creativity, harmony and true mindfulness.
2. Practice non-attachment
You may have heard of the attachment parenting philosophy. This is not the same thing.
Non-attachment is a practice that is integral in yoga tradition. Buddhist monks practice non-attachment to obtain spiritual enlightenment and many of the great world’s religions teach non-attachment, as well. This practice does not dictate how you love and care for your child. It is meant to help you respond to your child in a more mindful way. It is about controlling your personal emotional response to behavior, so you can parent with less extra baggage.
First, like in so many mindfulness practices, you turn inward. You take some time to become aware of and understand your emotions and defaults as a parent. Here’s a practice to help you understand it. Think of a specific time or recurring times that you have felt a very strong negative emotion such as anger, fear, or shame brought on by someone else's, maybe your child’s, behavior. I’m talking about big emotions here. You may be able to remember it because your emotional response didn’t match the behavior. For me, I think of when my kids don’t listen to me in public. Specifically, if it is time to leave and they ignore me or throw a tantrum about it, I am easily triggered and I feel anger boil up in my body. It isn’t because of their particular behavior though. The intense emotions come on because I don’t want to lose face. I have a hard time with someone seeing this play out and my mind starts spinning thinking about how they perceive me. I logically know most people are thinking kind things and this behavior is developmentally normal, but in the moment I feel like everyone is judging me. Again, my intense feelings about this are not at all about my kids' behavior and the size of my emotion doesn’t match what is actually happening. Sure, I wish they would run happily toward me from the playground right when I say it is time to leave, but my wish for that doesn’t match my emotions around it.
If I am able to parent with non-attachment, I address the behavior and find methods that work to enlist my kids’ cooperation, without letting my emotions take over. If I am attached to the outcome of this because of my own inner feelings, the entire incident gets messy. Suddenly, I’m overly irritated with my child because I am telling myself that I look like a bad parent. My overreaction and fear of looking bad monopolize the situation and my kids’ emotions can escalate to match mine. I also lose out on the opportunity to connect with my children and teach them behavior because I’m now operating out of anger. Another example could be a parent watching their child do something that is slightly risky, climbing something new at the playground for example, and overreacting because of their own fear of heights. In reality, the child might not be in danger, but the parent's attachment to their own emotion takes over. A parent overly pushing their child to do something that the child doesn’t want to do because the parent feels that it is something they missed out on in childhood could be an example too. The key is that the parent’s action or reaction toward a behavior is over heightened because of their own feelings, not because of the reality of the situation.
You don’t need to get caught up in figuring out or solving for the reason why something triggers these feelings and emotions. Therapy is a great place to explore this, but don’t let that hold you back from starting to parent with less attachment. Awareness of your attachment, when it may come up or even noticing that it did come up, can help you navigate the entire situation more mindfully. It's okay to still feel the emotion in the moment. This practice is about noticing it and trying to return to a place where you can connect, teach and operate with a clear mind. Overtime, the way you respond to your child’s behavior when you are aware of your own attachment to it, will change and make a big difference in your overall parenting.
This awareness can extend to everyone and every situation in your life. Do you know you overreacted when your friend or partner made a comment that struck a sensitive chord with you? That’s okay! It happens. And, being aware of your attachment to that topic, behavior and sensitivity is important. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with it. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be sensitive. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask for and even expect different behavior. It means that you’re getting to know yourself a little bit better and practicing mindful reactions.
3. Build in some time for quiet
We are in the middle of a bathroom remodel. There are people working in our house all the time. My kids are usually home, we have a part-time nanny and both my husband and I work from home occasionally. Our house is busy. The other day, mid-morning which is usually one of the busiest times for all of us, I realized the house was quiet. I was there all alone and the peacefulness was palpable. This is rare and it never lasts long. My initial response was to freeze. I just stood there listening. Listening to the quiet and my breath. It felt like a breeze right off the ocean, somehow simultaneously energizing and calming.
It’s not easy to come across these moments, but when I’m finding myself alone these days, even if it is in the car for a short drive, I’m turning to quiet. I love a podcast and I relish the rare opportunity to listen to music that isn’t made for preschoolers, but I’m really needing a break from overstimulation. It’s not necessarily silence during the quiet. Sometimes I can still hear my kids in the backyard. I hear the sounds of the city when driving. I often get interrupted in the middle of my pause, but I’m prioritizing and soaking up these quiet moments throughout my day. It allows space for some feelings to come up that might otherwise go unnoticed and it gives my brain a little break. This time also helps when I’m feeling off or sad. I might explore these feelings a bit, get curious about why I’m not feeling like myself, or I’ll simply give myself the space to feel it.
Maybe you find yourself in quiet spaces more often than I do and it is more challenging to quiet your inner thoughts than the outside world. Know that’s okay and all part of the practice. Observing the thoughts that come up, which is a fancy way of saying don’t ignore them, can be really powerful. As you have a moment of quiet and thoughts arise, you can greet them (actually say hello) and instead of letting them take over, see if they pass after a moment.
I see that building in time during my kids’ days for quiet is powerful for their mindfulness and well-being too. It's different than a time-out. A quiet moment can be powerful for thinking about behavior and actions, but I don’t want my kids to associate quiet space only with time-outs. It’s also about unplugging, getting away from overstimulation and turning inward. I don’t ask my kids not to talk during this time. I don’t think that would work well in our house. Instead, I encourage the quiet. Setting your child up with an art project, crayons and paper are enough, and letting them create with little else going on is a great way to encourage quiet moments. Time spent outside with no electronics and no big plan works for children, and adults, of all ages. My children love music and we have it on often in our home, but I’m balancing music with some quiet too. Building in this quiet space seems to be inspiring a little more mindfulness for everyone.
4. Forget about knowing everything
I don’t have to tell you that it is a difficult time to be a parent. You’ve read the articles. You know people struggling. You may even be going through it right now. I often wonder how I am going to teach my kids all the lessons they will need to navigate this world. How do I expose them to life, build resilience, teach mindfulness and grace, keep them kind and allow them to be children for as long as possible? Deep breath. It’s overwhelming.
The truth is, I don’t need to know how to do it all. I can bring in other resources, teachers and inspiration – it truly takes a village and I have to believe the village still exists! Sometimes, for me, that village is a really good book. Books are amazing. I get to engage with my children, read to them, bond with them and I don’t have to have all the knowledge. If I find a great book that has some of the information I think will be valuable for my children to live more mindfully, I can let the book do the talking while I do the reading.
Another golden part of a village is a library. There are books that help you start the conversation with your child about just about every topic, including deep breathing, yoga and emotional awareness. There are books with activities and projects, some are simple and some are more elaborate, that you can use in a moment when you need them or make an afternoon out of learning new mindfulness tools. Here are two that we use in our house. These two are for preschool aged children, but you will have no problem finding books for all ages.
5. Be the inspiration
If you have kids you know they are always watching. They see everything you do. Sometimes they copy it, sometimes they laugh at you and sometimes they want to do it with you. No matter what, they are noticing your actions. This, like so many of the tips above, can go both ways. It often seems much easier to implement the do as I say, not as I do theory, but so far it hasn't worked for me.
Care for yourself. Breathe deeply. Be aware of your emotions and responses so they don’t control you. Be curious about who you are. Listen. Pay attention. Move your body. Nourish your body with healthy foods. Don’t eat junk. How will I ever tell my kids to do all these things, if I’m not trying to do them myself?
I’m trying to be aware of what I’m teaching my children through habits they see me living day-in and day-out. Of course, I have blind spots. I do things that I don’t yet realize I’m even doing. I have practices that I wouldn’t want them to emulate, but I’m trying to enhance my self-awareness so that I can work on those. I can also focus on the ones that I think will be helpful for them to learn. While I encourage everyone to carve out alone time for themselves to meditate, sit quietly and breathe, I also recommend letting your children, and anyone else you want to inspire, see you do these practices sometimes. They will be curious, they will want to do it with you and you can make it a family practice while still maintaining space for your own growth. It will take time, but it can be done.
Even just making a dedicated space in your home where you meditate will help. Your child will learn what you do there and they will start to ask questions. You don’t need to have all the answers. Explaining how quiet moments and deep breathing make you feel may be more than enough. Refer to Number 4 on this list about the power of a book to help you answer questions. Remember that your practices don’t need to be perfect. Letting your kids, or anyone for that matter, see that you set a few minutes aside to prioritize your mindfulness, health and well-being is enough and will be impactful. I have no intention in rewriting great quotes, but I propose that you can slightly alter “be the change you wish to see in the world” to “be the change you wish to see in your home” as a starting place. In so many ways, it is the same thing.
I’ll say it again here, this doesn’t just apply to kids. Do you want to inspire someone else in your life to live more mindfully? You have the power to do it. When I say that kids are always watching, I really mean people are always watching. We don’t change that much from childhood. As adults, we are often curious about other behaviors and habits, especially when they seem to have positive benefits. We have gurus, teachers, coaches, mentors, influencers and inspirations for a reason. You can be all of these things for someone else. Your mindfulness practices can change the world around you, one curious person at a time.
About me
Hi, I'm Britta. I’m a wellness and mindfulness coach. As I learn and grow as a parent, I’m working on prioritizing mindfulness practices in our home. I’d love to help you do the same! I work with families and individuals to turn new mindfulness practices into habits and change their lives. Contact me for a free consultation and coaching programs customized for your goals.
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